6 Friends Every Mom Needs (and how to keep 'em)

6 Friends Every Mom Needs (and how to keep 'em)
By Patricia Curtis

Not long ago, frustrated that my 3-month-old refused to sleep in his brand-new crib, I posted the following on Facebook: "Patty is wondering why Will hates his crib so very much."

Almost instantly, my friend Angela, who had a sleepless 2-month-old of her own at home, sent me several suggestions for getting him to sleep in his crib. One of them actually worked (for a night or two anyway).

A few sleep-deprived weeks later, my Facebook status read: "Patty is glad to be home after locking myself and Will out of the house with a dead cell phone."

This time, I got some advice from a friend whose son is about a year older than mine: Put a spare key in my diaper bag, as I was bound to lock myself out at least one more time. (Great advice. Maybe I'll actually remember to do that someday soon.)..............

Having these friends -- one who was going through the same stuff I was and one who had already been through it -- has been a lifesaver to me. I turn to the been-there, done-that gals for parenting advice, my fellow clueless new-mom peers when I need someone to commiserate with, and my pals without kids when I need a night out -- and, let's be real, a cocktail or two. Parenting: Why motherhood hijacks your brain (and why it's OK)

No matter how old our kids are, we moms need our confidantes. These six are lifesavers -- but before you freak out, thinking, "I don't even have six friends," don't worry: One woman might fill several roles, making you one lucky gal.

The mom in the same boat

Why you need her: She gets it.

Theresa Heroux of Vernon, New Jersey, mom of 4-year-old Julia, spends a lot of time with her friend Erin, who's also a single mom.

"When my married mom friends want to get together, they don't understand why I can't immediately agree. I have to find a babysitter," she says. "They just don't get it. But Erin does. We always have the kids with us when we get together, and even though it's hectic, it's more relaxed because we don't have to worry about finding, paying, and rushing home to relieve a sitter."

How to keep her: Whether the two of you are stay-at-home moms, working moms, or single moms, try to get some one-on-one time without the kids -- and make it fun, says Amy Kovarick, coauthor of "Baby on Board: Becoming a Mother Without Losing Yourself" and a mom of four.

Yes, you're busy with work, the kids, errands, the house, and other craziness, but the more time away from Chuck E. Cheese, the better. Make a date: You both deserve it -- and probably for the exact same reasons!

The no-kids pal

Why you need her: For adult conversation -- and so you can act like you're still cool.

"Mother is my favorite role, but not my only one," says Mary Moore of Austin, Texas, a stay-at-home mom and an author. "It's so hard to get together with other moms because someone's kid always has to nap or go to school or has some other commitment, and we can never easily agree on a time or place to meet," she says. "With my friends who don't have kids yet, that's not an issue."

Another plus: "They're still into the latest restaurants, fashion, and gossip," says Moore. "There are a lot of moms who just say 'Forget it, I'm too crazed,' but that's not me." Parenting: Take a break! Easy ways to pamper yourself

And perhaps best of all, she adds, "They're a respite from all the mom chatter -- like, say, discussing at length the local preschools years before we need to. My single or non-mom friends are testament that there is life outside of 'cookies versus cupcakes.'"

How to keep her: Put aside all the mommy stuff for an hour or two. Take time to find out what's new with her, and be honest with yourself about her reaction to your kid talk. She may eat up your cute stories -- or she may not be so fascinated by the embarrassing thing your 4-year-old said.

As Kovarick puts it, when talking about one of her single friends: "She likes my child and she likes to see him -- kind of like she likes to see my dog."

So when the two meet up, they go halfsies. "I send my son to the babysitter for an hour so we can go for a drink at a restaurant," she says, "then it's back to my house -- with my three-year-old running around." Compromise is key, even if your pal adores your kids.

The been-there, done-that mom

Why you need her: She gets you through your "I don't know what I'm supposed to do next" moments.

For Jen Matlack of Bethel, Connecticut, mom of 3-year-old Mae, this friend is Janet, whose kids are 22 and 20.

"If I have any concerns -- Mae not napping, Mae constipated, Mae not having playdates, or maybe my own parenting worries -- I always check in with Janet. She has offered me a lot of reassuring guidance," says Matlack. "And even though she's my older, wiser parenting friend, she's also a kid at heart, just like me, so when I'm around her, I get the best of both worlds: wisdom but also a wild side."

How to keep her: The good news is that she probably loves giving advice as much as you love getting it.

"Motherhood can seem like a thankless job, so it's great to be recognized and be able to share what you've learned," says Kovarick.

If you've asked for help, try to remember to call and tell her how well her ideas worked out. And even though you may not know yet what it's like to be in her shoes, you can still be a sounding board for her older-kid problems.

The I'll-do-anything-for-you buddy

Why you need her: She'll help you with your garage sale, drive the kids to soccer, and bring over lasagna when you're dealing with a crisis. For Erin Hart of Arlington, Virginia, her husband's best gal pal, Laurie, is this friend.

"When I was pregnant with my second child, we were in the process of redoing our closets, and my baby girl arrived a week early. Let's just say the bag I brought to the hospital was a grocery bag, with a nursing bra, underwear, a toothbrush, and a hairbrush. There wasn't much time."

The day after Erin's daughter Emerson was born, Laurie called a sitter to watch her own two boys, came over, and washed, folded, and organized all the baby's clothes. "It was incredible," says Hart. "She basically dropped everything to come to our rescue. And the first week we were home, she brought over a fully cooked meal. I'll never forget that."

How to keep her: Friendships don't come with vows, like marriages do, says Marla Paul, author of "The Friendship Crisis." It helps to remind your friends that you care.

"So many friendships fall apart because one friend feels neglected," says Paul.

So return the favor. Maybe you don't have the time to drop everything, as she always seems to, but make an effort. When she's going through a tough time (or even having a tough week), instead of cooking the family a homemade meal, as she might, drop off a pizza or a gift certificate for her favorite Chinese takeout.

The slightly glam girlfriend

Why you need her: For inspiration (it is possible to be a fashionable mom), advice (how does she get out the door looking so great?), and a wardrobe you can borrow.

My friend Mary fits neatly (of course) into this slot for me. Every photo she e-mails me of her and her daughter shows the two of them looking gorgeous, whether in their matching bikinis or out to dinner at a fancy restaurant I couldn't imagine going to with a kid.

How to keep her: You admire your friend's got-it-togetherness, so tell her, says Kovarick. She surely works hard at it and will appreciate the compliment. Watch out for your own jealousy or embarrassment, though.

Most of us feel that way sometimes, but if she's a real friend, she's not trying to make you feel bad about your relative lack of style or organization. She likes you for you -- though if you're still wearing mom jeans, maybe she can help you trade up.

The brutally honest pal

Why you need her: We all need to hear the truth sometimes. It can sting, true, even if you asked for your friend's opinion. But if she cares enough to tell you not just what you want to hear, then she's a keeper.

For many women, sisters play this role; for others, it's a longtime friend, or a particularly outspoken newer one. The trick is distinguishing between someone who's just bossy and someone who actually puts thought about you into her opinions. You'll know the difference (one clue: If she only ever criticizes your choices, she's not helping).

How to keep her: It may take a day or two for you to digest what she's told you, but once you have done so, call your friend and thank her for being honest -- even if you don't agree, says Kovarick.

We don't have to be exactly like our friends -- Twitter would be seriously boring if we were -- as long as we look out for each other, even while we're looking out for our kids.
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ADHD: What Parents Should Know

What is ADHD?

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the name of a group of behaviors found in many children and adults. People who have ADHD have trouble paying attention in school, at home or at work. They may be much more active and/or impulsive than what is usual for their age. These behaviors contribute to significant problems in relationships, learning and behavior. For this reason, children who have ADHD are sometimes seen as being "difficult" or as having behavior problems.

ADHD is common, affecting 4% to 12% of school-age children. It's more common in boys than in girls. You may be more familiar with the term attention deficit disorder (ADD). This disorder was renamed in 1994 by the American Psychiatric Association (APA).

What are the symptoms of ADHD?

The child with ADHD who is inattentive will have 6 or more of the following symptoms:

• Has difficulty following instructions
• Has difficulty keeping attention on work or play activities at school and at home
• Loses things needed for activities at school and at home
• Appears not to listen
• Doesn't pay close attention to details
• Seems disorganized
• Has trouble with tasks that require planning ahead
• Forgets things
• Is easily distracted

The child with ADHD who is hyperactive/impulsive will have at least 6 of the following symptoms:

• Fidgety
• Runs or climbs inappropriately
• Can't play quietly
• Blurts out answers
• Interrupts people
• Can't stay in seat
• Talks too much
• Is always on the go
• Has trouble waiting his or her turn

What should I do if I think my child has ADHD?

Talk with your child's doctor. A diagnosis of ADHD can be made only by getting information about your child's behavior from several people who know your child. Your doctor will ask you questions and may want to get information from your child's teachers or anyone else who is familiar with your child's behavior. Your doctor may have forms or checklists that you and your child's teacher can fill out. This will help you and your doctor compare your child's behavior with other children's behavior.
Your doctor will do vision and hearing tests if these tests haven't been done recently.

Your doctor may recommend trying medicine to see if it helps control your child's hyperactive behavior. A trial of medicine alone cannot be the basis for diagnosing ADHD. However, it can be an important part of evaluating your child if ADHD is suspected.

It might be hard for your doctor to tell if your child has ADHD. Many children who have ADHD aren't hyperactive in the doctor's office. For this reason, your doctor may want your child to see someone who specializes in helping children who have behavior problems, such as a psychologist.

What causes ADHD?

Children who have ADHD do not make enough chemicals in key areas in the brain that are responsible for organizing thought. Without enough of these chemicals, the organizing centers of the brain don't work well. This causes the symptoms in children who have ADHD. Research shows that ADHD is more common in children who have close relatives with the disorder. Recent research also links smoking and other substance abuse during pregnancy to ADHD.

Things that don't cause ADHD:

• Bad parenting (though a disorganized home life and school environment can make symptoms worse)
• Too much sugar
• Too little sugar
• Aspartame (brand name: Nutrasweet)
• Food additives or colorings
• Food allergies or other allergies
• Lack of vitamins
• Fluorescent lights
• Too much TV
• Video games

What can I do to help my child?

A team effort, with parents, teachers and doctors working together, is the best way to help your child. Children who have ADHD tend to need more structure and clearer expectations. Some children benefit from counseling or from structured therapy. Families may benefit from talking with a specialist in managing ADHD-related behavior and learning problems. Medicine also helps many children. Talk with your doctor about what treatments he or she recommends.

What medicines are used to treat ADHD?

Some of the medicines for ADHD are methylphenidate (some brand names: Ritalin, Concerta), dextroamphetamine (brand name: Dexedrine), pemoline (brand name: Cylert), atomoxetine (Strattera), and a combination drug called Adderall. These medicines improve attention and concentration, and decrease impulsive and overactive behaviors. Other medicines can also be used to treat ADHD.

What can I do at home to help my child?

Children who have ADHD may be difficult to parent. They may have trouble understanding directions. Children who are in a constant state of activity can be challenging for adults. You may need to change your home life a bit to help your child. Here are some things you can do to help:

• Make a schedule. Set specific times for waking up, eating, playing, doing homework, doing chores, watching TV or playing video games, and going to bed. Post the schedule where your child will always see it. Explain any changes to the routine in advance.
• Make simple house rules. It's important to explain what will happen when the rules are obeyed and when they are broken. Write down the rules and the results of not following them.
• Make sure your directions are understood. Get your child's attention and look directly into his or her eyes. Then tell your child in a clear, calm voice specifically what you want. Keep directions simple and short. Ask your child to repeat the directions back to you.
• Reward good behavior. Congratulate your child when he or she completes each step of a task.
• Make sure your child is supervised all the time. Because they are impulsive, children who have ADHD may need more adult supervision than other children their age.
• Watch your child around his or her friends. It's sometimes hard for children who have ADHD to learn social skills. Reward good play behaviors.
• Set a homework routine. Pick a regular place for doing homework, away from distractions such as other people, TV and video games. Break homework time into small parts and have breaks.
• Focus on effort, not grades. Reward your child when he or she tries to finish school work, not just for good grades. You can give extra rewards for earning better grades.
• Talk with your child's teachers. Find out how your child is doing at school--in class, at playtime, at lunchtime. Ask for daily or weekly progress notes from the teacher.

Will my child outgrow ADHD?

We used to think children would "grow out" of ADHD. We now know that is not true for most children. Symptoms of ADHD often get better as children grow older and learn to adjust. Hyperactivity usually stops in the late teenage years. But about half of children who have ADHD continue to be easily distracted, have mood swings, hot tempers and are unable to complete tasks. Children who have loving, supportive parents who work together with school staff, mental health workers and their doctor have the best chance of becoming well-adjusted adults.

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Parenting Tips

I love my children, but being a parent can be so hard!
Being a parent can be a joy, but it's also a tough job. No parent is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Even loving parents sometimes do things they don't mean to do, such as yell at a child or call a child a bad name. But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of abuse doesn't start.

I get so frustrated sometimes. Is this normal?
Yes, all parents get frustrated. Children take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your own life, such as worries about your job, your bills or your relationships, or problems with alcohol or drugs. To be a good parent, you have to first take care of yourself. That means getting help for your problems.

What can I do when I feel frustrated?
Take a break. Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. For example, have your partner stay with the children so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you or watching your child while you go out.

I sometimes lose my temper. Does that mean I'm a bad parent?
No, many parents lose their temper with their children. It's okay to feel angry, but it's not okay to take it out on your children. When you're really angry, take a break. For example, take your children for a walk or call a friend to come help you. If you feel angry with your child almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help by talking to your family doctor. He or she can offer advice and provide resources to help you. There are groups that can help parents, also.

Is it okay to spank my child?
Spanking isn't the best way to discipline children. The goal of discipline is to teach children self-control. Spanking may teach children to stop doing something out of fear. There are better ways to discipline children.

One good way for infants and toddlers is called "redirecting." When you redirect a child, you replace an unwanted (bad) behavior with an acceptable (good) behavior. For example, if throwing a ball inside the house isn't allowed, take your child outside to throw the ball.

With older children, try to get them to see the consequences of their actions and to take responsibility for them. For example, you can explain to your child that everyone had to wait for dinner because he or she didn't set the table when asked. Explain that your child has to wash the dishes after dinner because he or she didn't set the table before dinner.

How can I be a good parent?
There's not just one right way to raise children. And there's no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. But here are some guidelines to help your children grow up healthy and happy:

• Show your love. Every day, tell your children: "I love you. You're special to me." Give lots of hugs and kisses.
• Listen when your children talk. Listening to your children tells them that you think they're important and that you're interested in what they have to say.
• Make your children feel safe. Comfort them when they're scared. Show them you've taken steps to protect them.
• Provide order in their lives. Keep a regular schedule of meals, naps and bedtimes. If you have to change the schedule, tell them about the changes ahead of time.
• Praise your children. When your children learn something new or behave well, tell them you're proud of them.
• Criticize the behavior, not the child. When your child makes a mistake, don't say, "You were bad." Instead, explain what the child did wrong. For example, say: "Running into the street without looking isn't safe." Then tell the child what to do instead: "First, look both ways for cars."
• Be consistent. Your rules don't have to be the same ones other parents have, but they do need to be clear and consistent. (Consistent means the rules are the same all the time.) If two parents are raising a child, both need to use the same rules. Also, make sure baby-sitters and relatives know (and follow) your family rules.
• Spend time with your children. Do things together, such as reading, walking, playing and cleaning house. What children want most is your attention. Bad behavior is usually an attempt to get your attention.

Who can I ask when I need help raising my child?
There are many ways to get good parenting advice. Sign up for parenting classes offered by hospitals, community centers or schools. Read parenting books or magazines. Talk to your family doctor, a minister, a priest or a counselor.

You can also ask your family doctor for parenting help. Don't be embarrassed to ask. Raising children is hard, and no one can do it alone. Your doctor can help you with issues like discipline, potty training, eating problems and bedtime. Your doctor can also help you find local groups that can help you learn better parenting skills.
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